Ipple-apple Tree by Spike Milligan

I'm going to plint an apple tree
Not plint, I mean to plant,
You cannot plint an apple tree
You cint, i mean you can't.
I mean you plant
You do not plint
And I mean can't
When I say cint
If you insist and plint a tree
Ipples will grow, not apples you see?

Personal Pollution

I did a pee
In the sea
While I was in Goa, India
My Mother said I could

Where d'you think it goes
When you flush our toilet?
Huh
I was pretty sure
Someone cleaned my waste
Before it went to sea
But the details escaped me
So I didn't say anything

And it took me forever
To release my wee
With the waves reprimanding me
Each slap causing guilt
As I slowly emptied with relief

Two weeks further
Looking out to sea
In Fort Kochin, Kerala
No matter how hard the sun
Beat down on the sea front
The tempting coolness
Would not be felt and
As each wave crashed against
The square rocks I realised
The dirtiness robbed the pleasure

Every dishwater wave
Grimy, polluted and disgusting
Was scolding me
Never to pee in the sea
Again

Requests for Various Friends

I'm sorry, Mr Tuna Roll
Will you attend my funeral.
After all, we are related
As Mr Darwin clearly stated.

If you don't mind Mr Goat
I'd like the hair that's on your throat.
Its not that I can't grow a beard,
Simply yours is so revered.

Excuse me Mr Chewing Gum
Can I stick you on my thumb.
Then I'll know the way to go
you can lead and i'll follow.

Hello there Zeberdee
You surely must remember me.
I'm the one who always said
Its never time to go to bed.

Washing Line

A shock
Despatched by my Mother
As she pegs out the washing
The line symbolising
Before and after
The moment burnt in
Literally
Due to a piercing sun
Shielded eyes still peeking up
I realised
I am not the centre of the Universe
The world does not revolve around me
And everything exists independently
A shock

I forget the question posed to garner this answer.

Welcome Home

Swollen sweaty lumps
sitting breathing
confront me
leave me reeling

eyes disgusted
by the pasty skin on offer
ugliness surrounds
suffucates and drowns me

holiday
might as well have been a coma
welcome home